For all of our fabulous progress of the early summer, about 2 weeks ago, Truman and I both hit a wall.
The fabulous freedom of summer turned into a constriction for both of us. I have completely neglected my work duties purposefully this summer so that I could just immerse in trying to find a track for him, but in doing that, I looked up one day and realized that I have completely neglected my work duties. There are unforgivable amounts of unanswered emails piled up, articles to edit, summer PTO duties to rev up for the school year flapping in the wind, and maintenance items for my classes unmaintained. I'm a fairly easily overwhelmed person, so once you load on some of that mental weight and then add stupidly high hot weather followed by monsoon season that doesn't allow for much outdoor-ness, you might find me getting a little nuts. There are children of all sorts running through the house like Gremlins (the evil ones, not the cute ones) bent on destruction. I practically bar Jim's office door to keep them from overrunning his office like army ants while he takes conference calls.
If it isn't a surplus of energy, then it's the opposite. Lethargy is palpable. The draw of The Screen is strong. My resolve is weak. All have collided in a train wreck that involves an obsession with Garfield and Thomas the Tank Engine and the last creative brain cells that I own. I have looked up a couple of times lately and found myself unconsciously singing that Talking Heads song to myself. What was my college degree in again? It's a Groundhog's Day of hot or rain (and now both together), zero productivity, and frustration. I have toyed with the idea of making a recording of myself saying, "Turn that TV off. No, you cannot have my iPad. Turn that DOWN. Go find something to do." I could play them in random order, and more than likely it would fit the situation, or at least be close enough.
I tried a sitter one day this week so I could make a dent in the backlog of overdue stuff. It worked well for me, but I came home to find my teenage sitter looking a little... well, like me - 30 years older and kind of like she just wanted to get the hell out of there.
Every summer this point finds me. By mid-July I am questioning my decision of even having kids, much less my own ability to handle an extra-spicy one. If I completely surrender to the summer - to the kids (and specifically to the kid), we are all pretty happy. But when that wall shows up, the one with the writing on it that says that I have to get some stuff done for work, and I realize that I am not doing one other thing other than caretake some person or the house or attempting feebly to work for someone, I begin plotting getaways and fantasizing about solitary confinement in a blissfully comfy padded room without any people and my meals delivered through a hole in the door so I don't even have to see that person either. Though a solitary confinement massage therapist would be nice, screw spas. Silence is where it's at.
And the guilt. Oy. I see homeschoolers of multiple kids and kids with special needs who seem to ride a wave of love and feed on being nurturers and raisers of young minds and seem content with that as their life's focus. Or what about J.K. Rowling, single mom on welfare, whose drive was so strong that she wrote the first Harry Potter while her kid napped in a stroller at a cafe? Instead of inspiring me, it just makes my posture a little slump-ier and incites my Jungian shadow to come out for a wise crack or two about how "welfare" implies "no job," and how "stroller" implies "small child that is contained," and how "nap" implies "break in the action where no one is talking to you." Give me those conditions and I might get something done, too. Signed, Obviously Projecting and Wallowing In It.
Do I lack the ability to surf the love wave? Am I missing the drive of J.K. Rowling? Am I selfish in my needs and/or poorly equipped at multitasking? Do I truly have too much going on in life? Or should I just strap them in a chair and reinstate nap time while I have a latte and answer emails? Thankfully there are just 2 weeks left in the summer and plenty of guilt and undone tasks to explore until then.
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ReplyDeleteThis, too, shall pass, my daughter, when, like you did, they had rather spend their summers at college with their friends. Like the little train, keep saying "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.
ReplyDeleteYou know what keeps me going all summer? The knowledge that these people: "multiple kids and kids with special needs who seem to ride a wave of love and feed on being nurturers and raisers of young minds and seem content with that as their life's focus" are totally full of shit.
ReplyDeletePS Truman and I have the same Does Not Like To Do list except I don't like to get very cold.
It's just too much. I suppose that's life always. At some point I have just given up and he is watching way too many episodes of CSI this summer. When I think back, I think I watched a lot of TV in the summer too. I somehow managed to get to college and find a job, so maybe it isn't such a big deal in the end. Just gotta let the guilt go.
ReplyDeleteI love you, Angela, and I'll tell you why. It's because (among other things) that you have the self-awareness to know, understand, and SHARE what it is that drags you down. I am very much wired the same way you are, except my life was/is a bit different in that I tried (and struggled) to be that nurturer person until a paradigm shifting occurrence mid-life cycle stopped me in my tracks and I finally embraced who I am. I too am easily overwhelmed and feel insurmountable guilt (esp. when dealing with my youngest,who is 10). My extra spicy kid is my oldest and he is now moderately spicey but he is 22, and a man, and engaged, and still making. me. nuts. (Thankfully, my middle son is woefully normal and in college and independent.) My wrench in the spoke is that I am finishing up a college degree while parenting. The thing that I have come to understand and embrace is that *I* am different, too. So what if I can't juggle a blobillion things simultaneously? Those women/parents who do aren't me anymore than I am them. Who knows...maybe they go home at night after the kids are all in bed and get really sauced up. Or maybe they hide in the closet popping all sorts of natural valium (valerian)? Regardless of how they do it, they do. And regardless of how I/WE do it, we do. It's neither right nor wrong as long as it gets done, and getting it done one. step. at. a. time. is the only way to do it. I get very easily overwhelmed, and wallowing around in my pit of self pity is so comfortable. But I think I need it sometimes. I think I need it so that I can come out on the other side and stand on the edge and look down at my former, self pitiable self and think, "Wassamattawitchu?"
ReplyDeleteI need the break so I can regroup, formulate a different/better plan of action. We are all evolving and growing. Kids age and mature, and so do we. We need time to adjust to life's variances, maybe moreso than others, but that isn't wrong. It's just different. And that is okay. Hang in there, Angela. As annoyingly cheesy as it sounds, "This too shall pass." (And you are not alone.)
As I was reading older blogs what came to mind was ENERGY! You and Truman have been investing a HUGE amount of energy this summer. He, to better understanding the world. You, to better understanding him. This is no minor thing. Give it full credit due, even if it might not seem spectacular or noticeable. Energy demands to be fueled from somewhere...! Mega FABULOUS is the hope that this investment might just pay off big time as the school year approaches with a better coping skills for everyone. (PS- there's always liquor for the last I-give-up-days, too.) I echo "Yes, this too shall pass"- just as Truman being three years old did...
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